DAG-num P.I.

Brain Food

2009-01-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

I intend this blog to be a serious source of information, and I consider maintaining it to be a form of public service. My #1 goal is to educate my readers. Clearly. So I want to share with you a very special website called The Online Etymology Dictionary.

For some reason, this site is like crack to me. I'm dead serious. I LOVE reading about the origin, evolution, and meaning of words. Sometimes I pass the time at work looking up words, just for the fun of it. Are you aware that the word "chaplain" is derived from "chapel" which is derived from a form of the word "cape"? It turns out that the first "chapel" was built to house a relic -- the cape of a famous saint. Isn't that shit interesting?

God, I could just do word searches like that all day long. Geeky, but true. If you want to have a chuckle, try looking up all your favorite cuss words. They're there, and some of them have been around a long time.

For instance, "fuck" has a very lengthy entry. There are many possible origins for the word (mostly Scandinavian), but the one I found most amusing was an old Germanic "ficken" which had early meanings of "to make quick movements to and fro, flick" and "to itch, scratch". Sounds kinky.

Downer

2009-01-15T08:19:00.000-08:00

War in the MiddleEast is bringing me down. Both sides sound like douchebags to me, but I just read that Israel "accidentally" bombed a UN headquarters in Gaza that housed Palestinian refugees and humanitarian supplies. That brings douchebag to a whole new level.

Privacy, Please

2009-01-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

I hate public bathrooms. Not only are they usually disgusting, but I just can't do my thing with some stranger sitting 2 feet away and nothing separating us but a thin barrier of metal or plastic. So, I've made a point of locating the best single-occupancy bathrooms in the hospital so that I can have a little privacy when the shit happens at work. My favorite bathroom by far is the one in the lobby of our maturnity unit.

First, they're clean and spacious, and have been made to look and feel more like a bathroom you'd find at home. Secondly, they're located on a hall with very little foot traffic so there aren't people knocking every 5 seconds.

One thing that always baffles me is why people bother to knock anyway. If someones in there, the door's gonna be locked. When you knock, I've gotta take time out of my shitting to respond. And what am I supposed to say, anyway? "Hello"? "Occupied"?

Just try the doorknob, for God's sake.

I Feel Vindicated

2008-12-12T13:30:00.000-08:00

Read this article. It is a timely and important piece of journalism. You'll enjoy the links (like this one, for instance, having to do with crucial charity work).

Barista

2008-12-12T12:14:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to mention this. Some of you may remember a post from a few months ago when I wrote about Cowgirl's Coffee, a "bikini barista" joint down the street from us. Well, a few weeks ago we finally got around to going there, and...the barista was indeed scantily clad. Unfortunately, she was not terribly attractive. Angie commented that she had a nice ass, and I guess she's right, but overall I was not impressed.

I would do her, but only as a matter of principle.

If You're Gonna Do Something, Do It Right

2008-11-25T12:58:00.000-08:00

I was just speaking with a guy at the hospital who had an incredible mullet. It was the real deal, with the back feathered, and of course, he had the requisite mustache to complete the look.

I think you'll agree that without a mustache, a mullet just looks absurd.

Ringtones

2008-11-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

For my friends/family...just to let you know what I hear when you call me, here's a list of the ringtones I have listed for at least some of you.

PharmGirl - the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars.

Choidog - theme from Superman. I used to have "Billy Jean" for you, but I thought it was time to do something new and you're the biggest Superman fan I know.

Blastbaby - right now it's set as "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" by Jay-Z, although I'm contemplating switching it to "Hip to Be Square" by Huey Luis. Thoughts?

Timmy - "My Love" by the Outfield. Isn't that the name of the song?

LeRoy - "Regulate" by Warren G.

Little sis - "Rosa Parks" from Outkast

Big bro - "Crazy Train" by Ozzy

Big sis - "Family Affair" by Mary J. Blige

Ma and Pa - "Stronger" by Kanye

Don$ - "Picture Me Rollin" by Tupac

And finally, for anyone else who calls me, my general ringtone is the theme from Magnum PI.

Confessions of a Blackberry Owner

2008-11-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

My first confession is that I do, indeed, own a blackberry. I mentioned a while ago that I was "test driving" a Blackberry Curve, and I can announce that I've definately decided to keep it. My second confession is that I'm growing to LOVE it. It's wonderful for people like me who are horribly and unforgivably forgetful. It stores all sorts of helpful info in an easily accessible format, including:

Contacts. Not just phone #'s, but also mailing addresses, e-mail addresses, websites, etc. for everyone I know.
Calendar. All my appointments, committee meetings, family/friend birthdays, etc. are stored and I can receive reminders. It even reminds me to take out the gargage. Simply wonderful.
Memo Pad. This feature has been an unexpected delight. It's great for making "to-do lists", but it's also been very helpful for storing important info that doesn't fit under "contacts". For instance, I've stored work info such as my employee #, pass codes, and departmental phone extensions. I stored my car license plate #, make/model, VIN #, and the phone number + our account # for AAA. Oh yeah, I've also started a file for Christmas lists. You get the idea.
I can check/write e-mails at any time. I didn't think I would appreciate it, but it's actually kind of handy.
I can browse the internet, but it's sort of slow. So far it's my only real complaint.

That's the basic idea. I should mention that I like the full keyboard, and those little keys are surprisingly easy to type with. Also (for Choidog), yes I do wear it on my belt when I'm at work. Is that obnoxious?

Fun New Hobby

2008-11-17T15:58:00.000-08:00

For me, one of the unexpected pleasures of an Obama win is reading whacko comments on conservative websites. It's really heart-warming to see their frustrated whining, pathetic pouting, and especially their astonishing paranoia. For instance, check out the comments in response to this article on the FOX News website. Keep in mind, the article was just an account of Obama placing a wreath on Veterans' Day and saying some nice things about honoring vets. The comments that follow are pure hilarity. A couple of highlights:

"This jerk will never be my president."
Very mature. Barack is such a dick for laying that wreath.

"I'll keep my FREEDOM, my MONEY, and my GUNS. You can keep the CHANGE."
Fascinating. Slightly clever, and yet dumb at the same time.

"Obama will Destroy the USA! God help us all!"
It's got a nice panicked flavor to it. I love how they make Obama sound like God Zilla.

"PHONY. I KNOW THE MILITARY COULD SPIT KNICKLES HAVING THIS MARXIST DOPE FOR A PREZ. WHAT A SHAME WHAT A HORRIBLE THING HAS HAPPENED. NOW HE WANTS HIS OWN GESTAPO...WHAT NEXT OVENS??"
Points awarded for impressive use of hyperbole. Unfortunately, points also deducted for terrible grammar and excessive use of caps.

The most interesting part is how little these comments irritate me. If I'd read them before the election, I would have been wicked pissed. Now, I just find them amusing.

I Heart Crazy People

2008-11-14T07:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I provided the chapel service at our long-term mental health facility again. The people there are messed up, but for the most part they're pretty sweet and friendly. I usually give a very simple message about love/kindness/etc., then we pray together and maybe sing a couple songs. (It's really entertaining taking prayer requests from folks with severe paranoia, by the way. Q: "What should we pray for today?" A: "There's a bomb in my room.")

It's always an experience.

Anyway, while I was setting up for yesterday's chapel there was a woman standing near-by stirring a styrofoam cup full of hot chocolate. There was no one else around. I said "hello", but she didn't answer, so I kept setting up. A couple of minutes went by, and then the following conversation transpired:

Crazy Lady: "You're not gonna get me again."

Me: "What was that?"

CL: "You can swirl about all you want, but you can't fly forever." (She uses her hands to make swirrly motions over head, like there's something flying around her.)

Me: "Oh. Okay. Uhhh..."

CL: (She's looking directly at me.) "You won't eat again."
Me: "....?"
CL: "You killed me and my family, but I won't let it happen."

(A few moments pass while she continues to stare me down.)

Me: "How's you're hot chocolate?"

(She turns around and leaves the room.)
END SCENE

I swear to God this is verbatim. Crazy people are so awesome. As a post script, when I left the building to get in my car, the same lady was outside in the parking lot listening to the radio and gettin' down to "Old Time Rock 'n Roll". I mean she was really really gettin' down, dancing her crazy ass off, down and dirty, hip gyrations and the whole nine yards.

That freaky chick can dance! I just hope she doesn't kill me in my sleep.

GEARS Hangover

2008-11-10T12:43:00.000-08:00

I'm feelin' a little tired after my all-weekend GEARS binge. At this point all I can think about is getting through the work day so I can get home and kill some more crazy-ass monsters (you know what they say about "the hair of the dog that bit ya" being the only cure).

I also keep daydreaming about chainsawing people in half. Is that normal?

I'm Not Too Proud to Admit It

2008-11-05T12:32:00.001-08:00

Did anyone else bawl like a baby during his acceptance speech?

2008-11-04T22:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes, YESSSSSS!

Congrats, #44.

2008-11-03T07:21:00.000-08:00

I miss the She-Shew.

2008-11-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

Motorcycles are awesome.

Thursday Adventure

2008-10-31T11:21:00.000-07:00

On Thursday afternoons our chaplaincy department leads a chapel service at an off-site housing facility for long term psych patients. It's an assisted living sort of place for crazy people. The facility is way off the beaten path, down a long dirt road in a wooded area. Pretty creepy, to be honest. I always try to be in and out of there within about a half hour. I'm not saying I dislike going there. The residents are very sweet, and they're fascinating folks to have theological discussions with. It's just not a place where I'd choose to hang out.

Anyway, yesterday I was in an especially big hurry to leave so I could get to a dentist appointment. Unfortunately, when I got out to the car the battery was dead. Completely dead. I went back inside to ask staff for a jump, and they went to look for jumper cables. In the meantime, I went to wait in the car. The problem is that most of the residents spend their day wandering around outside because they have nothing else to do, and so they started gathering around the car to see what was going on. It felt sort of like a scene from "Night of the Living Dead".

One guy started pestering me for a ride to Wal-Mart. "Please, please." he said, "Just this once. I can walk back by myself!" To which I replied "I can't. My car won't start, and even if it did, I'm late for an appointment." He thought for a minute and then said, "Okay, how about a ride to the 7-11?"

Another guy started giving me advice, or more accurately, yelling advice at me.
Him: "YOU NEED A NEW BATTERY!" Me: "I know." Him: "JUST GET A NEW BATTERY AND IT'LL BE FINE!" Me: "I can see that." Him: "WHY DON'T YOU GET A NEW BATTERY?! JUST GET A NEW BATTERY! YOU NEED A NEW BATTERY!!!" - He was very upset about the whole thing.

A third guy started reciting historical facts about Nazi Germany and the role Bulgaria played in WWII. Not particularly relevant to my situation, but at least he wasn't yelling.

Eventually an employee named Dee brought out some jumper cables. We hooked them up and I tried starting the car, but it was clear that it would take a while to charge. My yelling friend loudly suggested that we try rolling it and popping the clutch. Not a bad idea, actually, since the parking lot was on an incline. So we pushed it up the hill a bit. Dee was steering as we pushed, and she insisted she knew how to start a car by popping the clutch, so we let the car go and it went hurtling down the hill toward the brick building. Dee did not know how to pop the clutch, as it turns out, but luckily she did know how to use the break. The car, still dead as a door-nail, skidded to a halt at the bottom of the hill.

At this point I thanked Dee and the residents for their help and informed them I would be calling AAA for assistance. About an hour later a tow truck showed up and gave me a jump start.

The tow truck guy looked around and commented on how far back in the woods this place was. It was starting to get dark. People were still wandering the yard like zombies. "What is this place?" he asked. I smiled at him, "It's a home for the mentally ill."

His eyes got very big. Within about 30 seconds he was back in his truck driving away, and I was right behind him.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Diagnosis:Gears Obsession

2008-10-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

I pre-ordered Gears of War 2 last night. I'm so excited, I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind.

Blonde Republicans. It's Become An Epidemic.

2008-10-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

I'm certain I'm not the only person to notice this pattern, but when it comes to conservative commentators/hosts on cable news networks, they are almost always attractive blonde females. (Sometimes, just for variety, they'll also throw a young black man in the mix.) Check it out sometime. Judging from T.V. exposure, you'd think that the Republican party was almost entirely made up of blonde models.

I guess they're trying to counteract their image as a party of old white dudes (?)

Anyway, it follows logically, since FOX "News" is (obviously) a whole station devoted to Right Wing talking points, that most of their staff is comprised of blonde hotties. This morning I was flipping past FOX and their "news" show was being co-hosted by a blonde chick and a young black dude. No white guys anywhere. Being a conservative dooche is sooo hip.

Primetime

2008-10-24T12:39:00.000-07:00

The best show on television right now is Supernatural on the CW. That's just an objective fact.

Also making the list of best shows are the following:

The Daily Show
The Office
Heroes
The Colbert Report
Chuck

There are also a number of terrible shows that I watch from time to time for no logical reason. These include:

Smallville
House
Fringe (starring Paisey from Dawson's Creek)

And then there are the offensively and unforgivably terrible shows that I would not consider watching under any circumstances:

ER
that gameshow with the bald freak
anything under the category of "reality television"

Vegas, Belated

2008-10-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

This is reaching way back, but we took a trip to Vegas with the Kalbs. I think it was in June. Great time. The cops are real, the Nick Cage is not.

Pondering the Probability of Being Haunted

2008-10-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

I'm around dying people all the time at work, so I have a lot of experience with death. More than your average 30 year-old, I would guess. I'm often in the room when folks die. Sometimes I'm the only other person in the room at the time of death, which is especially freaky. I've gotten sort of used to it.

However, I bring it up because every once in a while I wonder if being around deceased people on a daily basis puts me at greater risk for being haunted. I'm not sure I believe in that stuff, but if some dead people do become ghosts and haunt the living, you'd think that eventually one of those dead suckers is gonna follow me home. Maybe it's just a hazard of my job, but it seems like they should make some kind of safety gear for folks in my position. Construction workers get hard hats. I should get a "ghost hat", or at least one of those ghost catching traps from Ghost Busters. Just in case.

Important Information

2008-09-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

FYI: If you need a Pimped Out Megaphone Helmet but can't seem to find one in stores, this dude can tell you how to build one.

Time to Bring Back the Funk

2008-09-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

I've always been a fan of science. You know...reason, evidence, that sort of thing. That's why I've tended to favor evolution over creationism. But as it turns out, I've been completely wrong. I was reading an article about Gov. Palin and her apparent belief that the world is only about 5,000 years old (that's all a story for a different time). Anyway, I came across this super-duper smart website that informs me that "there is no proof whatsoever that the world and its fossil layers are millions of years old."

The thing is, fossils don't come with dates stamped on them, so scientists really just make up dates to match their evolutionist beliefs. But their are other scientists, called "creation scientists" who think the evidence fits perfectly with a literal reading of the bible. So, there you have it. It's not a matter of one view being more evidence-based than another, it's just a matter of perspective. They're equally valid.

Case closed.

New Motorcycle

2008-06-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

I just took the leap from being nerdie and lame to totally kick-ass. Because now I'm a biker. Overnight, I've become stronger, tougher, and meaner. Last night I killed a man with my bare hands, and I don't even give a shit. That's just what bikers do for fun. No big deal.

Maybe I should get a tattoo of a skull or satan or a naked woman. Maybe all three.

Anyway, the bike is a Suzuki Boulevard M50 - all black (just like my soul). It rides great, although I wish it were louder.

It get's good gas mileage too.

Indiana Jones: An Authoratative Review

2008-06-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

I voiced my concerns about the new Indie movie in previous posts, but despite my reservations I was still pretty psyched to see it. So, last week I went. Here's the deal...

I've always been a HUGE fan of Indiana Jones. As a kid, he was my go to hero and pretend identity when I would have adventures in my back yard. I had a cheap brown hat that really looked nothing like Indie's fedora, and I went through multiple flimsy "bullwhips" that snapped when I tried to swing with them from overhead tree branches. Some might say I was borderline obsessed with wanting to be Indiana Jones. To this day, the Indie movies are my all-time favorite movies.

I say all that to assure you that I really, really wanted the new movie to be good. Unfortunately, it was NOT good. I purposefully waited over a week to write this review so that I could come at it with more objectivity. It pains me to say it, but I still think the movie was pretty terrible.

I'll start with the positives first.

Indian Jones is the greatest character ever.
Harrison Ford is still awesome.
I even sort of liked the guy who played his son.
Using the Russians as bad guys seemed to work well.

The list of negatives is much longer.

The dialogue was pathetic. I'm not saying it needed to be Shakespearean quality for an adventure movie like this, but something above 3rd-grade level would have been nice.
The plot was lame. Space aliens? Really? And why did they have to make everything so completely far-fetched? Indie is a larger than life character, but part of the appeal of the older movies is that they made him flawed and human. The new movie made him invincible and cartoonish. The scene with the nuclear blast just struck me as stupid. I was embarassed for the writers.
Way too much CGI. It's like they took Indie's character and put him in a Tomb Raider movie.
Too campy. I know Indie movies are supposed to be campy and funny, but this was way over the top. Raiders got the balance between campy/funny and gritty/action just right. Temple was next best, followed by Crusade. The new movie was so far removed from the style of Raiders that it was almost unrecognizable.

All-in-all, I just felt like the movie was shotty craftsmanship, like the writers had it knocked out in about a week. I choose to pretend it never happened. Crystal Skull is dead to me.

Murder and Mayhem In My Back Yard

2008-06-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

My wife is a unique individual. On the one hand she is incredibly indecisive, and she completely freaks out about silly things. For months we've been looking at new living room furniture, and Angie has agonized over every tiny detail. Believe it or not, she's actually lost sleep over the whole thing. First, she wanted a couch with a couple of chairs. Then she decided she wanted a sectional. She still can't decide on the shape or size or color or fabric, but she's pretty sure about the sectional thing. I'm told she's narrowing down the choices and is close to a decision. I'll believe it when I see it.

On the other hand, Angie can be incredibly calm and decisive in other situations. For instance, last night I was coming home from work. When I pulled onto the street leading to our house, there were a bunch of fire trucks and cop cars and even a S.W.A.T. vehicle. I couldn't get through. It's a one-way street and there's no other way to get to our house. Angie was at home, so naturally I started freakin out.

A nice man in uniform informed me that there was a shooting down the street and that the gunman was still on the loose in the woods (the woods surrounding our house, incidentally). They were using the armored S.W.A.T. vehicle to evacuate the neighborhood. I quickly called Angie to let her know what was going on. She had no idea that any of this stuff was happening. She said, "Oh, I thought I heard a helicopter flying over." I told her to lock the doors and shut off the lights. She told me she was going to the garage to look for her gun.

I waited about 45 minutes. I overheard rumors about a hostage situation. I talked to Angie several times on the phone, so I knew she was still okay, but I was anxious for her to be evacuated. Finally, the police gave the all clear and let me through. Apparently, some dude had shot a guy and then killed himself.

Anyway, when I got home Angie was just sitting there looking out the window, cool as a cucumber, with a glass of wine and her loaded pistol. Crazy gunmen beware, she's serving lead for dinner. She doesn't give a shit about shit.

My wife, the gunslinger.

Regarding My Last Post...

2008-05-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

An update. Some of the townsfolk held a protest outside of Cowgirls and another place called "Hot Chick-a-latte" this weekend (here's a link to the MSNBC article). Funny thing is, supporters of the "sexpresso" shops outnumbered the protestors. Ha!

I'm genuinely proud.

It didn't hurt that Cowgirls held a barbeque this weekend in order to combat the protests, and Chick-a-Latte held some sort of charity. Clever little bikini-baristas. Protestors got their asses whooped.

My Life Has New Meaning

2008-05-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

The Northwest is known for its coffee. Starbucks, Seattle's Best, etc. If you've ever been here, you know there are drive-through espresso stands on about every corner. This has always been a nice thing. However, there's a delightful new phenomenon that takes the espresso stand to a new level - the scantily clad barista, or - Sexpresso.

I remember seeing stories on the news a while ago about these coffee stands in Seattle where hot chicks serve you lattes while wearing bikinis/lingerie/skimpy cowgirl outfits. To me it just sounded like a wonderful distant dream. But we've discovered that one of these stands has opened up in our own little town. It's called Cowgirls Espresso. Predictably, a bunch of the prudes around here are gettin all worked up about it, but I think this is exactly how God intended coffee to be served.

God Bless America.

This is Pretty Amusing

2008-04-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

Lessons Learned this Primary Season

Journalism?

2008-04-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

Reason #865 why cable news networks suck...Headlines should not be phrased in the form of a question. (As far as I can tell, about 92% of headlines currently end in a question mark.) That's just lazy writing. Also, if the headline is a question, at the very least the news segment or article must answer the question it posed.

For instance, if a network were to ask:

Is Hillary Pregnant With Obama's Baby?

At some point the reporter is obligated to actually state the facts and say, "No, Hillary is not pregnant with Obama's baby. That's gross."

Cable news is just a bunch of juggling monkeys on bicycles.

How I Feel Today

2008-04-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck. Mondays suck.

Spiritual Excellence

2008-04-25T08:40:00.000-07:00

My uber-scientific poll on the right shows that the Dalai Lama and Jack Daniels are tied for first place in the race for the world's greatest spiritual leader. Mike Morgan is in 2nd, while Pat and the Pope are tied for dead last with zero votes. The D-Lama and Jack speak for themselves - they've brought comfort and solace to millions of people in times of despair.

But before we close this poll, I want to put in a plug for the other three.

The Pope -- He is extremely old, and he is directly linked to St. Peter through the apostolic line. He was chosen by God to...well...do whatever it is he does. He wears fancy shoes. Lots of people listen to him, I'm told.

Pat Robertson -- God speaks to him directly. He knows which scriptures are important ("homosexuality is an abomination") and which ones are trivial/unimportant ("thou shalt not kill"). He knows which political issues God cares about and which politicians God supports. He can pray on TV and people at home are healed. Those people then send him "contributions" in the mail as a way of paying for his medical services. It's really a very efficient form of health care, when you think about it.

Mike Morgan -- He has a masters degree in psychology. This makes him better than you or me.

So, there you have it. Please, re-examine your choices and give a second look at these fine spiritual icons. Whether they receive votes are not, they are winners.

Pope v. Dalai Lama

2008-04-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

This morning I was watching news coverage of the Pope's visit to St. Patrick's cathedral. Pretty lame. There are many things I like about the Catholic Church. They have an impressive history of ministry to the poor, for instance, and they utilize the power of ritual far better than anyone else. They do a better job of balancing "faith" and "works" than many of the new evangelical type churches.

But I just don't get the whole Pope thing. From what I can tell, all they do is give uninspiring speeches and wave at people. Is it really necessary to be so monotone and robotic? The dude couldn't be less charismatic if he tried. The same was true of the last pope. They always talked about JPII's charisma, but he seemed just as robotic to me. It's like they're told not to have emotions or something.

Contrast those guys with the Dalai Lama. (The Lama's been in Seattle this last week, so he's been all over the news too.) He smiles constantly and laughs all the time. He's the spiritual and symbolic leader for an oppressed people, but he exudes joy and peace. When he talks about love and kindness, I believe him. If there is a true representative of God on the earth, the Dalai Lama seems like a much more likely choice than the Pope, in my opinion.

I'll probably be taken to court by that Donohue asshole from the Catholic League for saying that.

Courtroom Brawl

2008-04-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

This is the most entertaining thing I've read in quite some time. Check it out, I beg you. Make sure and read the real transcript, especially page 3.

Thanks, Blastbaby

2008-04-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

The Blastbaby sent me this link and I felt obligated to post it. Thanks, man. Good shit right here.

Star Wars Rap

Credit

2008-04-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to mention anything about Charlton Heston's death. I've made fun of him in the past, and I didn't feel right about speaking ill of the dead. But I feel compelled to admit that I've been (at least partially) wrong about the man.

In reading some of the coverage of his death, I've learned facts about his life that have somewhat changed my opinion of him. It turns out that in the early '60s Mr. Heston was a strong supporter of civil rights. He actually marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. and picketted outside segregated restaurants. He protested the Vietnam War.

It wasn't until the 1980's that he became a conservative douchebag.

I still think his views on guns are wrongheaded. I still think the NRA is a crazy and dangerous organization. However, I've got to give credit where it's due. What he did back in the '60s was pretty cool. Nice job, dude.

Indecent Proposal

2008-04-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

So, as part of my job, one morning a week I bring coffee and donuts to the cancer center across the street from our hospital. I sit and talk with people as they go in and out for treatments. It's pretty nice, really.

The cancer center has a gift shop / resource center that provides info about different kinds of cancer. It's run by a little old lady. Today, as I was serving coffee and donuts, she came out of the gift shop and we had the following conversation.

Lady: "There are testicles on the table in there."

Dnasty: "Excuse me?"

L: "Testicles. You can feel them if you want."

D: ....?

L: "They're fake testicles with lumps in them. You're supposed to use them to

practice checking for testicular cancer. You should try."

D: "Oh. No, that's okay."

L: "Really, you should try. I'll bring them to you."

D: "Mmm...no. No. Thanks anyway though."

L: "Well, okay. There are breasts, too."

Awkward.

American Idol is a Sham

2008-03-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

I was just watching a news show where they were talking about the fact that numerous American Idol contestants have had previous record deals. Basically, they're not really "undiscovered talent". They're not even really amateurs. What a sham.

Maybe this is old news to most people, but it's new to me. It's not like I care that much (I haven't watched the show at all since about midway through season 2). I just think it's wicked lame. The whole premise of the show is misleading, it seems to me, and any respect I had for the tired old program is now gone.

Easter Addendum

2008-03-25T07:32:00.000-07:00

After consulting with the Blastbaby, I've been reminded of a few more details from the High School co-ed basketball tournee.

We used all of our time-outs right off the bat, but when our team still hadn't arrived we were forced to actually play. I suppose that makes sense.
Apparently we not only won the game, but we won the entire tournament!

You'd think I would have remembered that last little detail. Now that I think about it though, I'm pretty sure it's true. They should make a movie about us.

Easter Memories

2008-03-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

2 of my favorite Easter memories:

The 1st took place in High School when I, along with the Blastbaby, Boo, Boo's girlfriend at the time, and probably some other people who I've since purged from my memory, signed up for a co-ed basketball tournament. Our team ("the Easter Bunnies") was scheduled to play after lunch, so we all dispersed to eat and planned on meeting up again well before tip-off. The Blastbaby and myself finished eating and decided to head back to the gym early, and when we arrived we were informed that our game had been moved up and they were ready to begin. The rest of the team had not yet arrived, so we were faced with a choice... forfeit or play just the 2 of us against the full team of 5 on the other side. So, we manned-up and took the court, hoping to buy time until the rest of our team arrived. We hit'um hard with the full court press, particularly the females on their team, stealing and blocking shots and trash-talking like champs. When the rest of our team did arrive, about 10 minutes later, we were actually ahead! I can't remember if we ended up winning, but this game has to be one of the greatest un-sung events in sports history.

The second memory is just from last year, when the Kalbs and Timmy P. were visiting us for Easter. We were walking around down-town Seattle when we noticed the pink marquee above a strip joint said, "He Is Risen". Get it? Awesome.

In Honor of St. Pattie's Day

2008-03-20T07:35:00.000-07:00

Somebody sent me an e-mail with this pic and a caption that said something like, "This is what happens when you choose a German pope."

Ha ha.

Water?

2008-03-06T17:15:00.000-08:00

What's up with all the different kinds of "water" on the market lately?

The idea, I presume, is that health-conscious people who otherwise wouldn't buy a sugary beverage will be fooled into thinking they're consuming something that is, in some sense, water.

The problem is, it's not water. I would have thought this to be obvious, but my wife and I had a long argument on the subject. She says it is simply water with flavoring. With all due respect to my beautiful bride, that is stupid.

Once you start adding things to your water to make it taste better or look different, it becomes a flavored drink. See Kool-Aid. Though it starts as water, and consists mostly of water, it is NOT water. It is a flavored drink.

I will concede that there are some gray areas. For instance, some people enjoy a slice of lemon in their water. Does that mean they are no longer enjoying water? The answer is no, of course not. Putting a lemon slice in water does not alter the water's basic identity. However, if you were to keep adding lemon juice to the water, at some point the ratio would become such that it would cease being water and become a lemon flavored drink. Let me give you some guidelines.

If it has any calories whatsoever, it's not water.
If it has color, it is not water.
However, absence of color does not ensure that your beverage is water. (I'm looking at you, Propel)
If it is sweetened, even with artificial sweetener, it is not water.

So please, people, don't be fooled by these "waters" and the lying companies who distribute them. I, for one, will not stand by and let their claims go unchallenged. Evil prevails when good people do nothing.

2008-03-05T06:19:00.000-08:00

Worst. State. Ever.

"These savings are gonna freak you out!"

2008-03-01T21:21:00.000-08:00

I've shared this video with some of you already, but for the rest of you...

shipoopi

This is an honest-to-God commercial here in the greater Seattle area. It doesn't play much anymore, but for a while it was all over the place. Funny bastards.

Polling

2008-02-27T16:08:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to point out that G.R.A.W. seems to be winning in the latest poll. It's doing well in a variety of demographics, including men, women, and people between 25 and 35. Gears of War is putting up a fight, but considering the small number of people who visit this Blog, at this point it's statistically improbable that it can win. Gears' claim that it is being treated unfairly by the media is pretty far-fetched, and frankly a little pathetic.

And Call of Duty seems to be the Kucinich of shooters. Sorry, Choidog.

Gaming

2008-02-25T16:19:00.000-08:00

For many months I'd been engrossed in Call of Duty 4. What a great game. I completely skipped the campaign mode and went straight to on-line multi-player, testing my mettle mostly against dorm-room losers and annoying pre-adolescents. I got to be pretty decent at the game; not great, but good enough to hold my own. My weapon of choice was the automatic shotgun, specializing in close-quarter combat. Gotta love the thud you hear when you come around a corner and drop a slug to your opponent's chest. Tupac said it best...

Illuminati,

flow through your body,

blows like a 12-guage shottie

Anyhoo, I made it all the way through the ranks until I started over again in "prestige mode", and then I decided it was time to retire from the world of COD4. New challenges await.

I decided my next conquest should be Assassin's Creed, a role-playing game where you get to sneak up on enemies and slit their throats. It sounds terrific, right? Unfortunately it didn't turn out to be very good. Too repetative.

So, I returned it and got Devil May Cry 4 instead. I've been playing it for almost a week now, and am enjoying it very much. Storyline: I am Dante, the son of a demon. I possess demon powers and I use them to battle evil. Story of my life, really.

It's a cool enough game for right now, but what I'm really looking forward to is Rainbow 6, which comes out next month. Til then, happy gaming.

Krav Maga

2008-02-23T08:03:00.000-08:00

I started a new martial art this week. Actually, they made a point to say that it isn't an "art" at all, but rather a self defense or fighting "system". Whatever. It's called Krav Maga, and it's the system used by the Israeli Defense Force. It's known for being extremely practical, efficient, and brutal. The idea is to eliminate a threat as quickly as possible. I've had TaeKwonDo training, but wanted to try something that focused more on practical self-defense and close-combat/grappling rather than sport. Krav definately fits the bill. As a fighting style it's relatively unknown, but has been gaining in popularity thanks to some appearances in pop culture. According to the Wikipedia link above, the character in Splinter Cell uses KM, as does Jason Bourne. Also, most importantly, so does J-Lo in that movie where she beats up her abusive husband.

Oh yeah, the new James Bond trained in KM before shooting Casino Royale. Sweet.

So, that's Krav in a nut-shell. Here's the real skinny: I'm terribly out of shape. Because it involves so much blocking and grabbing and punching, 15 minutes into the first class I could barely lift my arms. I was suckin wind hard. And even though I wore hand wraps, I still skinned up my feet and knuckles. I'm such an old man. There was a little teenage blond girl who was the teaching assistant and I'm pretty sure she could rip me limb from limb if she wanted to. Wouldn't be a bad way to go.

Two days after the first class, I'm still extremely sore. It's worth it, though.

Grateful

2008-02-20T15:48:00.000-08:00

I don't always appreciate living in the northwest. It's way too crowded. Traffic sucks. The people are weird. It's reputation for being wet and gloomy is pretty accurate during the winter, and many months go by without the slightest hint of sunshine. It sometimes feels like we're living on the dark side of the moon, or like we're characters in some creepy Hitchcock film. Depressing.

But when the sun comes out (as it does on occasion now that springtime is on the horizon), I'm reminded that we live in what must be the most gorgeous god damn place on the planet. Snowy mountains, endless trees, misty hills with Puget Sound in the distance... Absolutely breathtaking.

The town where we now live is located in the foothills of the Cascades. Every day I have to drive down into the valley for work. Sometimes in the morning the fog will be thick at the top of the hill but clear in the valley, so as I drive down it's like I'm descending out of the clouds. On a clear morning, as I reach the crest of the hill, I can look out and see the city of Tacoma on the hill in the distance, spread out above the Sound.

Driving home after work, I drive up the hill and just as I reach the top, Mt. Rainier looms large as life right in the middle of the road. When I get out of my car at home, it smells like the strongest pine-scented air freshener ever made.

I guess what I'm saying is that (today anyway) I'm grateful that I live in the NorthWest.

Dr. Jones

2008-02-16T08:36:00.000-08:00

If you haven't already, check out the new Indiana Jones trailer.

I'm a huge Indie fan. In my opinion, Indiana Jones is the greatest movie franchise ever created. Even better than Star Wars. However, I was strongly against coming out with a 4th film, and I was upset when I heard Spielburg and Lucas were thinking about doing it. First, because Harrison is old. Way old. Secondly, why risk ruining the whole series with a dud?

All that being said... That trailer got me really excited. When that great music kicks in, and old Indie breaks out the whip and crashes through the windshield... pretty sweet. Damn it all, I think I'm gettin' stoked for #4.

'Sup, Fools

2008-02-15T18:46:00.000-08:00

I'm back, folks. I've got nothing good to post right now, but I did replace that infernal tree with the Rad's ugly mug (circa 2005). Things that have changed since last time I posted:

I'm 30 years old
the scary purple bedroom is now blue
I've seen Kenny Loggins in concert
the presidential race is down to McCain, Clinton, and Obama

Things that have NOT changed:

It rains a lot in WA
baseball is a boring sport
Bush is an asshole
I'm actually not sure I can bench press 100 pounds anymore

More to come...

The Tree

2007-09-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

Apparently everyone is dying to know why I put a strange orange tree on my blog. And you, my faithful readers, deserve to know.

Short answer: I like trees.
Long answer: It represents the Tree of Life for which we are all searching in our own way. It is no coincidence that the tree's leaves have turned. It represents Autumn, the cycle of life, the coming of winter, dying. The tree of life and the tree of death, all in one. Think about it.

Only shittin ya. I just like trees, and the orange kinda matched my color scheme.

Gay Marriage...in IOWA

2007-09-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you're all aware of this, and it probably won't last, but it's still pretty awesome. Way to go, Iowa. Makes me proud.

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/Decision2008/story?id=3548239&page=1

Bumper Sticker

2007-09-01T23:22:00.000-07:00

I saw a funny bumper sticker the other day. It said...

"My gamer fragged your honor student."

Ha ha. Maybe it's only funny if you're a video game geek.

Candidates

2007-08-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

Not that anybody gives a crap what I think, but I feel compelled to rank the current field of presidential candidates. From most awesome to most deuschbag, they rank like this...

1. As I said in my previous post, I'm an Obama supporter all the way. He's by far the cream of the crop, in my opinion. He thinks outside the box. He is brilliant. He's genuine. He's independent. More than any other candidate, I think he can pull from Dems, Independents, and even some Repubs. Of course, there are a certain # of people out there who will not vote for a black man, but the vast majority of these people would likely not vote for any Democratic candidate. Even if I'm mistaken about this, I've still gotta vote for him because he's the best person for the job. Many of the other candidates could be decent presidents, but Obama has the potential for greatness. I've just got a gut feeling about him.

2. Edwards. He's likeable. I agree with pretty much all of his positions, and I really respect his emphasis on poverty. I think he would probably be a good president. However, he seems a little phony to me. I think his positions are based too much on what his base wants to hear. Also, I'm not sure his 'white southern man'-ness will do him much good in red states because of his combative partisan rhetoric. I don't think he'll pull any Repub votes, but he could probably still win the general pretty handily.

3. Mitt Romney. Just kidding; you'll have to look way down the list for that turd sandwich. The real #3 is Biden. He knows his shit, and he seems genuine. He's very qualified. I think he would be an exceedingly competent president. Don't know why, but I just trust him. The only problem with him is that I hear he's a little too close to big business. And I guess he's a little too much a part of the establishment for my taste. Still, I like him.

4. Bill Richardson. Very well qualified, but he's a terrible campaigner. Not much else to say about him.

5. Kucinich. He says all the right things and he's pretty funny. He carries a constitution in his pocket. However, he was a mediocre mayor and has been a mediocre Senator, from what I hear. He can talk the talk, but I'm not sure he can get things done. Something tells me he would just be a bad president. Still, he makes my #5 because of his progressive platform.

6. Dodd. Again, I agree with most of his positions. I just can't picture him as president.

7. Ron Paul. He's against the war, which goes along way. He's honest. And nice. Also, I respect the consistency of the libertarian position. I hope he's not elected, but I like him.

8. Hillary Clinton. I probably agree with her on most things, but I just don't like her. She's a throwback to the past. I like Bill, but I don't want to go back to the '90's. She's part of the establishment, and Edwards is right about her being corporate owned. She's totally phony; every move and position is calculated. Remember when she was one of the leading pro-war Dems? Now she wants to be the anti-war candidate? I don't think so. God, I hope she's not the Dem nominee.

9. Mike Gravel. Anger is nice, from time to time. But he goes beyond passionate and just ends up looking like a grumpy old man.

10. McCain. He's completely wrong about the war and almost everything else, but I still have a little bit of respect for him. It's more than I can say for most of the other Repubs.

11,12,13. A tie for these spots between Huckabee, Hunter, and Brownback. I can't even tell them apart. I think they're all guys who raised their hands indicating that they don't believe in evolution. Your typical conservative panderers.

14. Tancredo. Racist.

15. Mitt Romney. Has there ever been a slimier politician than this guy? Handsome as hell, but the guy obviously has zero principles. The ultimate flip-flopper, and he doesn't even try to hide it. He'll say anything to get elected.

16. Rudy Guiliani. I've posted about him before. He was mayor on 911. So what? He acts like he's some kind of terrorist expert, but when you hear him talk about defeating terrorism he sounds ignorant as hell. He totally buys into the same neo-con nonsense that says we have to fight them over there so they don't attack us over here, and he can't seem to recognize that our arrogant foreign policy might actually be the reason people around the world hate us. That whole exchange between him and Ron Paul in the debate made Rudy look like a complete fool, in my opinion. He doesn't give a crap about civil liberties or the Geneva Conventions. He's a wanna-be dictator. Basically he has the same insane philosophy as Bush except he's even more of an fanatic. If elected, he'll get us all killed. Plus, on a personal level he seems like an asshole.

17. And the prize for biggest deuschbag goes to Fred Thompson. Despite the hype, as far as I can tell he has absolutely nothing impressive to offer. He was a mediocre congressman; even a little lazy by some accounts. His acting isn't anything special. He was a lobbyist for quite a while, which certainly isn't appealing. People talk about him having charisma, but he is an ugly man and has nothing special to say (at least in the interviews I've seen). What a clown. The only reason he beats out Rudy for biggest deuschbag is because I'm sick of him playing coy with his announcement.

There you have it, friends. I enourage your comments and I invite you to make your own list.

Experience of a Lifetime

2007-08-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

This is 3 in a row, bitches. I'm unstoppable. We went to a Billy Ocean concert last weekend at the Casino down the street. He had white hair in long dreads and he spoke with a Jamaican accent. I didn't know he was Jamaican, but then again, I didn't know he was still even alive. We went sort of as a joke, but it was actually really entertaining. I used to be a big fan. In fact, his "Greatest Hits" was the first cassette I ever owned. He played almost all of his hits: Carribean Queen, Loverboy, Sad Songs, The Color of Love, Get Out of My Dreams (Get into My Car), When the Goin' Gets Tough, etc. The one song he didn't play happened to be my favorite...License to Chill. Bastard. Oh well. Sorry about the bad picture, but if you look close you can make out Billy.

New House

2007-08-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should include a decent picture as well so that people will agree to come visit us.

2007-08-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's totally working so far.

So...we bought a house. It's pretty exciting and a little scary, but I think we got a good deal. Anyway, it's too late to turn back now. The place is really nice for the most part, but there is this one room...

Purple. With flowers. Yikes.

New Look

2007-08-19T14:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I got sick of my old blog. So, I'll try a new look for a while. Maybe it'll inspire me to put up a few new posts.

Poser

2007-05-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not exactly sure why, but I have a growing and largely irrational hatred of Giuliani. Out of all the Republican candidates he is clearly the most liberal, so you'd think I would like him. But I don't. Not one bit.

He strikes me as an arrogant prick, and it especially pisses me off when he talks about terrorism. It's supposedly the one issue where he is strong, but it seems to me like he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. He just repeats "911" over and over again and pretends that somehow makes him an expert on the MiddleEast. What a poser.

Conscription

2007-05-13T05:41:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to an NPR program about the dangers and merits of conscription ("the draft"). There's a military sociologist arguing that conscription should be reinstated, and I'm surprised to find myself slightly persuaded by his arguments. He is convinced that a draft, if properly enforced, would apply equittably across all social classes. Because the rich and powerful (and their children) could be effected, he says it would greatly reduce the chances of disastrous wars like Iraq. Sounds good, if there were any chance in hell that the draft would be fairly enforced.

More convincing to me was his proposal that there be a 3-tiered form of conscription. In addition to being drafted into the military, citizens could also be drafted into Homeland Security, as well as civil and community services. Homeland Security, obviously, would entail guarding chemical plants and such. More interesting to me is the last "tier". This, apparently, would include political service, caring for the elderly, the poor, and cleaning up the environment. Part of the reasoning (if I understand it correctly) is that these types of service would give citizens a real stake in the wellfare of the country, as opposed to empty patriotism.

Anyway, something like that might not be all bad. It's really too bad that we have a history of leaders taking us into unnecessary and unsuccessful foreign interventions. I know there are a lot of people like me who would be much more willing to serve if they could be confident that they would't be forced to fight in a war to which they were morally opposed.

Weekend Movie

2007-03-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

I saw the movie 300 over the weekend. It was pretty decent. I was expecting a bloody action flick, and it certainly was that. Lots of decapitations, limb severings, and lots of ripped guys in their underwear looking tough.

It had quite a bit of lameness in the storyline that I did not expect, however. For one thing, it's always a bit in bad taste when every single good guy in the film is white and every single character with dark skin is evil. Of course you might argue that it is a period piece in which the Greeks battled the Persians, so historical accuracy requires that the two sides look very different. But this movie clearly has no interest in historical accuracy, as anyone even remotely familiar with the details of Thermopylae should recognize. The Persians in the movie are one-dimensional villains, the Greeks are one-dimensional heroes.

And perhaps I'm reading too much into this movie, but there seemed to be some pretty not-so-subtle allusions to the current war in Iraq. Here's the basic storyline:

The wise warrior king of Sparta, recognizing an inevitable clash with the evil Persian empire to the East, picks a fight with them. Spartan law will not allow the King to declare an official war, so in defiance of the Spartan assembly he sends only a small force of 300 to meet the advancing Persian army. While the king and his 300 are bravely fighting for the freedom of their country, his wife the queen tries to convince the Spartan assembly to send reinforcements to help in their cause. She reminds one member of the assembly that "freedom isn't free". But the corrupt and cowardly assembly refuses. Only after the king and all his men sacrifice themselves in battle does the assembly realize the error of their ways and send their whole army against the evil Persians.

So anyway, my initial thought was that the pro-war, hyper-patriotic sentiment of the movie was intended as an argument in favor of the Iraq war. After all, the Spartans are fighting boldly for freedom against murderous Middle-Eastern enemies. But then I thought perhaps the opposite was true. On the face of it, wouldn't the U.S. seem to correspond to the aggressive and Persian super-power? Granted, that seems unlikely. I don't think any film maker, no matter how much they oppose the war in Iraq, would want to equate terrorists or insurgents with the heroic Spartans. Whatever the case, I thought this movie took itself a little too seriously and tried to be a little too dramatic. But if you can ignore the lame storyline and just appreciate the fight scenes, then I'd recommend seeing the movie.

Weekend Highlights

2007-03-05T09:55:00.000-08:00

We visited the Kalbs this weekend. We had a lot of fun. The women got spa treatments, which they really enjoyed. We did a wine tasting. Steve and I saw "Children of Men", which was pretty good.

On Saturday night we decided to go out and play pool, so we drove to a dive in downtown Eugene. The sign outside advertized "naughty schoolgirls", but when we got inside there were just a bunch of old people line dancing to country music. No naughty schoolgirls to be found anywhere. We almost turned around and went right back outside, but we had payed a few dollars for cover and they did have pool tables, so we stayed. Perhaps the schoolgirls would show up later. We got the last pool table, which was warped and was missing the 6 ball. This all would have been tolerable, but then something happened, something so strange and inexplicable that I'm still tempted to think it must not have been real. At a bar on a Saturday night, full of people who were drinking, dancing, and playing billiards, everyone stopped what they were doing (including the bartenders) and THEY PLAYED THE NATIONAL ANTHEM. I'm not kidding. They put up an image of the flag on the screen above the dance floor and they played the frickin' anthem. We froze like deer in the headlights, giggling uncomfortably and staring at the floor. When it was over we finished our game of pool and got the hell out of there. Too weird.

I'm not saying it's impossible to venerate your country and play drunken pool (sans the 6 ball) at the same time, but I prefer to keep those activities separate.

Anyway, it was a good weekend.

Education is UnAmerican

2007-03-01T12:52:00.000-08:00

This is a great quote from Phylis Schlafly, one of the speakers at the Conservative Political Action Conference in D.C.

"We've got to stop this nonsense of teaching our schoolchildren in foreign languages," she told the crowd. "We cannot afford to let Mexico turn us into a two-language nation."

Indeed, education is one of the greatest threats facing today's children. Whether it's sex or foreign language, children automatically become what we teach them. For instance, providing kids with information about sex (or vaccinating them against sexually transmitted diseases) will make them sexually active and probably gay. Likewise, teaching them Spanish will make them Mexican. Damn you, Dora the Explorer, you brainwashing communist.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melinda-henneberger/conservative-bushbashing_b_42385.html

Bush Speech

2007-03-01T09:31:00.000-08:00

Ha ha. I heard this on the radio and I was really confused at first.

http://dc.indymedia.org/newswire/display/89126/index.php

Zealots

2007-02-26T09:34:00.000-08:00

I generally support gun control, but I wouldn't call myself a hardliner. I'm aware that gun control laws seem to have limited effectiveness when it comes to reducing crime. I sort of enjoy shooting guns, and I'm fairly sympathetic to the notion that law-abiding citizens should be able to own firearms (particularly in rural areas). At times I'm even tempted to sympathize with the views of NRA-types. Then I read something like this, however, and I remember that the NRA and its gun fanatics are FUCKING INSANE.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/23/AR2007022301709_pf.html

Seriously, these people are out of control. I know there are reasonable individuals out there with NRA memberships (I have family who fall in this category), but this organization's zealotry rivals that of fanatic religious sects. Absolutely terrifying. In fact, after publishing this post I fully expect to be shot for my blasphemous remarks.

I guess this is farewell.

Interesting...

2007-02-24T18:03:00.000-08:00

Have you ever gone to vote and found yourself wondering "I wonder which candidate would be best for Israel"? Me neither. But for those of you who answered "yes", here is a website for you:

http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/pages/rosnerPage.jhtml

What an All-Star

2007-02-12T11:32:00.000-08:00

To those who question Obama's ability to handle the personal attacks that are inherent within any presidential campaign, just look at how he handled criticism from Australia's Prime Minister regarding his proposed Iraq strategy.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17113465/

The P.M. said, basically, that if Obama were elected as president it would be a victory for the terrorists. Barack's response?

Obama, in Iowa a day after formally announcing his candidacy, responded to Howard’s initial comments by saying he was flattered that one of Bush’s close allies had chosen to single him out for attack.

“So if he is ginned up to fight the good fight in Iraq, I would suggest that he calls up another 20,000 Australians and sends them to Iraq,” Obama said. “Otherwise it’s just a bunch of empty rhetoric.”

I love how Obama managed to sound gracious while making Howard sound like a complete jackass. That kid's got game.

2007-02-03T12:57:00.000-08:00

If I opened a mexican eatery I would call it "Taco Bailar".

Weekend Adventure

2007-01-29T09:51:00.000-08:00

We were in Oregon this weekend visiting the Kalbs. Among other things, we went skiing in the Cascades. It was a beautiful day and we had a great time. I tried snowboarding for the first time. To say I am bad at snowboarding fails to convey just how poorly the day went for me. I fell down a lot, and not just the "oops, I fell over in a snowdrift" type of falling. I'm talking about the "AHHHHHH! Jesus help me my head slammed into the ground at 25 miles-per-hour and I lost my hat" type of crashing. I'm pretty sore. Too damn old to try something like snowboarding for the first time. Still, I may give it another shot sometime in the future.

Caruso

2007-01-21T17:35:00.000-08:00

Do you guys watch CSI Miami? Me neither. The couple of times I have caught the show I was annoyed by David Caruso's acting. All he does is deliver ridiculous one-liners while putting on his sun-glasses. It's just stupid. Here is a compilation from You-tube featuring his trademark quips.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sarYH0z948

Good stuff, but I only made it about half-way through before I lost interest.

IS HILLARY A ROBOT?

2007-01-20T12:55:00.000-08:00

Hillary made her sort-of candidacy announcement today. Not a big surprise. In a previous post I shared how little excitement I felt about her as a possible president, and most of your comments seemed to agree. I especially appreciated She-Shew's comment suggesting that Hillary may be a robot. I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me before, but I think she may be on to something.

We all know that the machines are bent on world domination, and placing one of their own in the white house would be a big step in that direction. In hindsight it seems clear that John Kerry was their first attempt at taking over the presidency. Unsuccessful, they're now using the slightly more life-like Hillary. Disturbing. Unencumbered by emotions and probably possessing super-strength, she may be unstoppable.

Liars II

2007-01-16T20:54:00.000-08:00

It frickin' snowed again last night.

Presidential Politics

2007-01-16T16:03:00.000-08:00

Obama announced today that he was launching an "exploratory committee" for a presidential run, which as far as I can tell means he's running. I've been watching some of the news coverage today. As usual, most of the press seems pretty favorable, but it sort of pisses me off how he is portrayed. They talk about him as a flashy new "rockstar" flavor-of-the-month politician whose appeal is based on youth and good looks, but who lacks experience and substance. What a bunch of B.S. As far as I can tell he has more thoughtful, authentic substance than any other candidate out there. The fact that he is well-spoken and charismatic is just icing on the cake. As the race unfolds and people hear more from him, I predict he will run away with the democratic nomination. (I'm not willing to make any predictions on the general election given the racial dynamics at play.)

Of course they always contrast him from Hillary, who I guess is supposed to be the "experience" candidate. Help me out here, my liberal readers. What is Hilary's appeal? Is it just that she has name recognition? From what I've heard she has been a competant senator, and I guess her positions are fairly liberal for the most part, but she does not excite me at all. Whatever affection I feel for Bill just doesn't carry over to her. She seems like too much of a politician, always playing it safe, never making an un-calculated move. She's had no backbone at all on the whole war thing. Plus there's the Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton dynasty thing if she wins. That would be pretty lame.

Though she ranks at the top of most polls for democratic candidates, I have to say she ranks very low on my list. As of right now I would vote for Obama, Edwards, Vilsack, and probably Biden before I would vote for Hillary. Am I alone here? Seriously, I'm willing to be convinced here. Am I selling her short? Are y'all excited about her?

Liars

2007-01-14T10:53:00.000-08:00

Before we moved to the Northwest we were told that it rarely snows around Seattle and when it does, it amounts to less than an inch and melts quickly. The people who told us that were liars. On Wednesday it snowed here for the second time this winter, and it snowed a lot. Schools were closed on Thursday and Friday.

Unfortunately, I happened to be up in the city on Wednesday evening when the snow started. By the time I headed home the roads were already icey and traffic was terrible. I was only 30 miles from home, but it took me 3 1/2 hours to get there. It took me 2 hours to go the first 2 miles. Let me say that again. Two hours. Two miles.

Ice is still on the roads and it is still cold as hell, but a warm up is supposedly on the way this week. We'll see I guess.

Poor Condie

2007-01-13T10:03:00.000-08:00

I hope you guys saw some of the footage of Condie Rice before the Senate's foreign relations committee. She got grilled, and it's about frickin' time. She has been the biggest "yes man" of an administration full of "yes men", and her compacency played a significant part in getting our country into the current mess. Unforgivable. But it seems like up until now people have dealt pretty gently with her. Anyway, I came across this article about how Fox News covered the event. They decided to skip all the serious issues about the war and focus on the real problem -- how mean Senator Boxer was to Condie. Here's what she said:

"Who pays the price? I'm not going to pay a personal price. My kids are too old, and my grandchild is too young," to serve, Boxer told Rice. "You're not going to pay a price, as I understand it, within immediate family. So who pays the price? The American military and their families.''

How dare she make a point with real merit. For shame. People at Fox interpreted it as a slight against Condie's single status, but the best response? Limbaugh.

"Here you have a rich white chick with a huge, big mouth, trying to lynch this -- an African American woman -- right before Martin Luther King Day, hitting below the ovaries here."

Rush Limbaugh, champion of the oppressed.

RIGHT IN MY OWN BACK YARD

2007-01-12T09:32:00.000-08:00

You have GOT to check out this article.

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/299253_inconvenient11.html?source=mypi

Make sure you read some of the comments to the article, also. The vast majority of respondents ridicule the school board's decision, but there are a surprising number of people who defend it. Enlightening. I didn't realize there were still so many irrational people out there. Help me understand, why would normal people (not religious extremists or those on the pay-roll of big oil companies) be so reluctant to accept scientific consensus? Weird.

Let me point something out to people who are susceptible to the "it's just a theory" argument. People don't use that argument unless the scientific evidence is against them. Examples: creationists and intelligent design proponents who argue against evolution, anti-semites arguing against the Holocaust, tobacco companies arguing against nicotine addiction and negative health effects of tobacco, and oil company "experts" arguing against global warming. In all cases, the science clearly favors the opposite view.

So, a couple of tips for figuring out if you are on the right side of an issue. If you are on the correct side, chances are that the core of your argument will have to do with scientific evidence. If the phrase "it's just a theory" is at the core of your argument, then you are probably on the wrong side of the issue.

What the Hell do you want from me?

2007-01-10T11:40:00.000-08:00

So I've been off the grid for a while. Jesus, give me a break!

I readily admit that I have earned a place on the list of "worst bloggers", but you people don't understand what it's like to be me. Try walking a mile in me shoes, or more realistically, sitting a mile in my bathrobe and slippers. (That didn't make much sense, but you know what I mean). Anyway, it may seem logical that being unemployed would leave plenty of time for blogging and that I would be putting up new posts left and right. To be honest, that's fully how I expected it to happen when we moved to the Northwest. However, it turns out that I have surprisingly little incentive to write new posts when I don't have real work to avoid. I used to spend hours at my desk avoiding the work for which I was being paid. Now I spend very little time in front of the computer. That would require getting off the couch and going upstairs. There are, like, 15 or 20 stairs that have to be climbed to get up there.

Thus, my last post was in October.

So why am I posting now? Did I find some new energy, or interest in the outside world, or dignity? Of course not. We purchased a laptop. That's right, I can now blog from the couch while I watch T.V. Technology to the rescue again.

And now, if you'll excuse me, this act of communication has left me exhausted.

Jesus Kill Me

2006-10-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

Angie and I joined a health club here about a month ago. It's called "L.A. Fitness", and it's one of those huge nice clubs with a zillion machines and beautiful people everywhere. Since I'm unemployed and I have nothing better to do I've been going at least a few times per week. The other day one of the trainers approached me and asked if I had taken advantage of my free health assessment and my free hour with a trainer. I said "no". I didn't even remember that those things were included in our sign-up deal. Besides, I don't like people talking to me when I work out, let alone telling me what to do.

And yet, strangely, the young man convinced me to sign up for a session. I was mostly interested in the free health assessment. Anyway, the session took place yesterday. After a warm up we spent 45 minutes working on my biceps before we ran out of time. 45 minutes. On biceps alone. I was almost in tears at the end.

I've been working out for most of my life, and I am quite familiar with the soreness that comes from lifting weights, but I have never felt anthing close to this level of pain the day after a lift. It feels as though he pounded my arms with a meat mallet before injecting them with acid.

It makes me wonder, Is this how it's supposed to feel? All these years I have been lifting until I was utterly exhausted and my mucles burned with fatigue, but apparently when you get to that point you're still supposed to have another 30 minutes of the workout left.

2006-10-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

dick.

Betrayal

2006-10-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

It's a sad day here. It turns out that, just on the eave of what must be considered one of the greatest periods in video game history (with the immanent release of "Marvel: Ultimate Alliance", "Gears of War", "Rainbow Six", and many other exciting titles), my beloved 360 has chosen this exact moment in time to crap out on me. Now I have to mail it to Texas for repair, and who knows when I will get it back.

I trusted you, 360, and you broke my heart. You weren't there when I needed you most.

Great Impression

2006-10-09T17:44:00.000-07:00

The Choidog has been bugging me to watch this video for weeks, and I finally got around to watching it. It's the funniest damn thing I've seen in a long time. The guy does a fantastic Bush impression. Scary, almost. So, check this out. You'll be glad you did.

REVIEW: "Phreak!!"

2006-10-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

I caught this show over the weekend and thought it deserved a serious review. The show got off to a rather bad start, beginning 10 minutes late. Moreover, the only thing more painful than the gratuitous use of the letters "ph" in every word that was supposed to contain an "f" was the fact that it was MC'ed by a comically bad rap group who called themselves "The Phormula". Unfortunately, they inflicted their "music" on the audience during intermissions.

Given all of these shortcomings, you might think the show was a bust. Not so. The thing that ultimately saved the night was the dancing of a young gentleman named Steve Kalb. His hip-hop stylings did nothing less than blow the doors off of the auditorium. His rhythm, his mastery of the choreography, and his ghetto attitude made me feel like I was back on the streets of Chi-town. Keep your eye on this one. From what I've seen, he may be the premier male hip-hop dancer in the Eugene/Springfield metro area.

Enemies

2006-10-03T11:18:00.000-07:00

Since the She-Shew has been nagging me to post something new, I guess I'll go ahead and make her day. By the way, She-Shew, your nemesis Ann Curry must be stopped. I saw a segment this morning on the Today show where she was covering those Amish shootings in Pennsylvania. She was interviewing a counselor who had been working with the surviving children (it turns out a group of little boys had been released prior to the shootings, but not until after they had been forced to carry wood that the gunman used to barricade the door shut). When talking to the counselor, Ann threw out this little gem:

"So how are those boys doing? How difficult do you think it will be for them knowing that they assisted this man in killing those little girls?"

That may not be word for word, but it's pretty damn close. In true Today show fashion, she succeeded in taking a traumatic event and making it even more painful for the victims. Bravo.

Speaking of arch enemies, I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that my new location puts me at a much greater risk of being attacked by AquaMan. We live only miles from Puget Sound. I'm constantly on edge, and it doesn't help when he taunts me. Not cool AquaMan. Not cool.

2006-10-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

Beta

2006-09-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

Don't know if y'all have seen the new "beta" option for customizing your blog. Thought I'd give it a try. So far it's pretty cool. I did some subtle fooling around with the colors and I added a sweet picture on my profile of some guy who looks just like Tom Selleck. What do ya think?

So Anyway...

2006-09-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

I'm back from another hiatus and now I'm comin' at ya from the West Coast, Dag-nastier than ever. To sum up the last few weeks, I finished a year-long residency, represented at LeRoy's wedding (congrats again, young Jedi), packed everything I own into a moving truck, drove 30 hours through 2 mountain ranges and 7 states, unloaded everything I own into our new house, and began the process of dominating a new territory.

So why did we make such a momentous change? Honestly, the MidWest was all played out. It had been fully dominated by us years ago, and like nomadic barbarians we need new conquests to appease our thirsts for wealth and adventure.

In other words, Angie got a new job that required us to move. Check it out--her new job title is "Nuclear Pharmacist". How cool does that sound? After her training is complete, she will mix radioactive compounds that are used for hospital procedures. My job title for the time being is "house wife" or perhaps less generously, "unemployed loser". I wear sweatpants and watch the history channel.

To each his own, I guess.

Seattle

2006-08-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

We're moving to the Seattle area. We'll be there in about 2 weeks and we don't even have a place to live. Sweet.

Heavyweight

2006-08-16T12:57:00.000-07:00

Yeee-haa! I did it, bitches! I'm officially a G.R.A.W. "Heavyweight". Last night while playing with the Blastbaby I killed my 10,000th Nicoraguan rebel. I can't speak for the Nicoraguans, but for me the experience was magical. I've now joined the ranks of such renowned players as Tim Beam and .... well, just Tim I guess. Still, not bad company. It's sort of like I was just awarded a Ghost Recon black belt.

dumb

2006-08-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

For a while I was sitting the fence about what to do in Iraq. Pull troops? Add troops? I was in the camp that said it was a mistake to go into Iraq, but it would be another mistake to leave prematurely. Now however, it seems to me that staying in Iraq is more about defending the pride of those who were in favor of the war than it is about reasonable probability of success.

I understand why the Bushies are so reluctant to admit the truth, but it's embarassing how many average Americans will ignore all the facts in favor of wild unsupported (often disproven) speculations. According to this article, a poll done in July found that 50% of American respondants believed that Iraq had WMD's at the time of the invasion. That's up from 36% last year. People are actually becoming more naive. It's like the more it becomes obvious that things will end badly over there, the more people are willing to deceive themselves about why we went in the first place.

I especially liked this section of the article...

As Israeli troops and Hezbollah guerrillas battled in Lebanon on July 21, a Fox News segment suggested, with no evidence, yet another destination for the supposed doomsday arms.

"ARE SADDAM HUSSEIN'S WMDS NOW IN HEZBOLLAH'S HANDS?" asked the headline, lingering for long minutes on TV screens in a million American homes.

Fox News is dumb.

Disheartened

2006-08-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

While watching news coverage of the recent terrorist plot, I was reminded of a couple of things. First, terrorists are dicks. That's pretty self-explanatory.

Secondly, I'm tired of hearing people say "the world changed after 9-11". Our awareness changed, and we changed to a certain extent (for the worse I'm afraid), but the world didn't change. Danger has always been out there, it was just a reality check.

Seems to me that "the world changed after 9-11" is something people say when they want something. Like ratings, for instance, or obedience. Our government wants us to think we live in a completely different world than before so that they can establish a completely different set of rules. We would never have allowed torture, or tried to hold prisoners indefinately without a trial, or given the green light to an unnecessary war, or allowed illegal domestic spying, or re-elected a president who is ethically challenged and utterly incompetant in every way... but now all those things are okay (and even necessary) because we live in a post 911 world.

Sounds like bullshit to me. Sounds like our sense of self-preservation has turned us into moral cowards.

That's not to say that we shouldn't beef up security at airports and try to prevent attacks (even if it means waiting in line 3 hours before boarding). We just shouldn't abandon our most fundamental principles in the process. It makes me sick that we have allowed the Bush administration to undermine our system of checks and balances, the Just War Tradition, and the Geneva conventions. I have no doubt that they will use this most recent terrorism scare to justify these types of policies. As a country, I hope we don't fall for it this time.

2006-08-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

Happy B-day Conrad!
It's the big #2 for the Rad-ster.

New Guy

2006-07-31T10:46:00.000-07:00

Wanted to introduce y'all to a friend and co-worker who has joined the blogging world. He's cool as shit. Give him a visit at http://www.moosielodge.blogspot.com/. Holla.

Fox News Makes People Dumber

2006-07-28T06:45:00.000-07:00

We all know that Fox News is joke. Okay, that's not true. There are a disturbing number of people who actually watch Fox on a regular basis and take it seriously. Anyone who is reading this blog, though, knows that Fox News is full of shit. Anyway, just to prove how much Fox News sucks, there was a 2003 study done by the University of Maryland that looked at how well-informed (or uninformed) people were about the war. They looked at 3 common misperceptions:

That Iraq was involved in 9-11.
That WMD had been found in Iraq.
That world public opinion support the U.S. invading Iraq.

One of the things they looked at was what news organizations people watched and how this corresponded to misperceptions. What they found (surprise, surprise) was Fox News viewers were the most likely to hold one or all of these misperceptions. In fact, 80% of Fox "consumers" believed at least one of the falsehoods, and 45% believed all three!

In contrast, only 23% of people who got their news from NPR/PBS believed even one of the misperceptions, and only 4% believed all three.

Clearly, people who get their news from Public Broadcasting are better informed than those who watch Fox. That's what makes all of the criticism of Public Broadcasting for being too liberal so infuriating. Apparently facts and accurate information = liberal. I've said it before and I'll say it again -- thank God for public broadcasting.

It also seems to show that Fox News is misleading. Funny. I heard the other day that all the T.V.'s in the White House are tuned to Fox News, and their policies seem very well informed.

One More Way To Cash In On the Rapture

2006-07-21T14:25:00.000-07:00

What could possibly be more lame than the Left Behind books? Try a "Left Behind" computer game. Seriously. Some jackass decided it would be a good idea to make a game based on the books in which you travel the streets trying to convert people and battle the forces of the anti-Christ. Careful not to be too violent, though, or your spiritual score will drop and you will end up as a "neutral" or maybe even a member of the anti-Christ's team. It's a game only Ned Flanders' kids could get excited about.

Did I already ask this question?

2006-07-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna ask it anyway, because it's a question I think about a lot. If you had to be killed and eaten by an animal, which animal would you choose? It has to be an animal that would not only kill you, but also consume you. For instance a cobra would kill you quickly, but probably would not eat you. Therefore it is disqualified. You can choose small swarming critteres, such as ants or piranhas, because as a group they might kill you and eat you, but I don't know why anyone would choose such a slow and unpleasant death.

As you consider this very important question, let me offer some advice. Aside from the swarming critters I have already mentioned, I would advise against the following animals:

Water dwelling predators (such as sharks or crocs). Being killed by these animals would involve not only being torn apart, but also drowning. It's not a good idea to combine more than one mode of dying.
Big cats. They often kill by breaking the neck, severing the spinal chord, or by suffocation. Seems awfully slow. You would have way too much time to think about what was happening.
Constrictors. Also too slow.
Large animals like a whale that might swallow you whole. I'm not even convinced that it should be allowed, since most whales are not carniverous. But hypothetically I guess it could happen by accident if you were swimming in a cloud of plankton. Anyway, it might sound like a good idea at first because presumably there would be no ripping or tearing. However, you need to consider the fact that you would die being slowly dissolved by stomach acid within the beast's digestive system. No thankyou to that.

I hope my advice has been both entertaining and educational. Of the four people in my office right now the choices are as follows...

1 undecided

1 grizzly bear

1 polar bear

1 tiger (against my advice, see #2 above)

Cast Your Vote

2006-06-30T13:33:00.000-07:00

It's time to get out the vote. Not the congressional elections (fuck those guys), I'm talking about the "Battle of the Comic Book Babes '06" . Emma Frost is the favorite to win again this year, but Mary Jane has my vote. Do your civic duty.

Vote or die, bitches. Vote or die.

Evil Bastards

2006-06-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

At the risk of sounding overly partisan, Republicans are bad people. I mean Republican politicians, mostly. Despite my carefully constructed and maintained cynicism about politics in America, I was still surprised last week when Congress voted not to raise minimum wage. Again. They might as well have issued a statement saying "We really are the party of the rich and we really do hate poor people." That was pretty bad. But then I read this story today that said Republicans in the House of Representatives are trying to sabotage renewal of the Voting Rights Act. They also voted to make Fridays "wear your Klan uniform to work day".

I made up that last part.

What else can I conclude but that Republicans in Congress are racist, classist, evil monsters bent on destroying everything that is good about America?

Our Most Urgent Problem

2006-06-27T07:05:00.000-07:00

Flag-burning? Really?

I'm Back, Bee-yotch!

2006-06-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

So I know that I've sucked at posting lately. Get over it. I had to go underground for a while as a precaution against robot assassins. You know how it is. They are already living among us, and that's why I felt it necessary to resurface so I could warn you about this development: mind-reading computers. God help us.

Don't these scientists know they are playing right into the hands of evil machines who are hell-bent on taking over the world and enslaving the human race? They already know our SS#'s, our credit card information, our Amazon.com wish list, and the porn sites we visit. Imagine the consequences if they possessed the ability to read our minds as well. We would have no privacy whatsoever. We might as well surrender right now.

By the way, the worlds #1 robot assassin: Toby Keith. It's true.

Poetic Justice

2006-05-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

Something wonderful was just brought to my attention. You have probably all heard of Sen. Rick Santorum (Rep.) of Pennsylvania. But are you aware that his name has become part of the pop culture lexicon? Before you go any further, click on this link to find out what "santorum" means. Awesome.

Could there be a more perfect example of poetic justice? Apparently the term has become pretty widespread. Long after Rick is gone and everyone has forgotten about his political career, his name will be associated with the thing he hates most. It will be his legacy.