Brain Food

I intend this blog to be a serious source of information, and I consider maintaining it to be a form of public service. My #1 goal is to educate my readers. Clearly. So I want to share with you a very special website called The Online Etymology Dictionary.

For some reason, this site is like crack to me. I'm dead serious. I LOVE reading about the origin, evolution, and meaning of words. Sometimes I pass the time at work looking up words, just for the fun of it. Are you aware that the word "chaplain" is derived from "chapel" which is derived from a form of the word "cape"? It turns out that the first "chapel" was built to house a relic -- the cape of a famous saint. Isn't that shit interesting?

God, I could just do word searches like that all day long. Geeky, but true. If you want to have a chuckle, try looking up all your favorite cuss words. They're there, and some of them have been around a long time.

For instance, "fuck" has a very lengthy entry. There are many possible origins for the word (mostly Scandinavian), but the one I found most amusing was an old Germanic "ficken" which had early meanings of "to make quick movements to and fro, flick" and "to itch, scratch". Sounds kinky.

Downer

War in the MiddleEast is bringing me down. Both sides sound like douchebags to me, but I just read that Israel "accidentally" bombed a UN headquarters in Gaza that housed Palestinian refugees and humanitarian supplies. That brings douchebag to a whole new level.

Privacy, Please

I hate public bathrooms. Not only are they usually disgusting, but I just can't do my thing with some stranger sitting 2 feet away and nothing separating us but a thin barrier of metal or plastic. So, I've made a point of locating the best single-occupancy bathrooms in the hospital so that I can have a little privacy when the shit happens at work. My favorite bathroom by far is the one in the lobby of our maturnity unit.

First, they're clean and spacious, and have been made to look and feel more like a bathroom you'd find at home. Secondly, they're located on a hall with very little foot traffic so there aren't people knocking every 5 seconds.

One thing that always baffles me is why people bother to knock anyway. If someones in there, the door's gonna be locked. When you knock, I've gotta take time out of my shitting to respond. And what am I supposed to say, anyway? "Hello"? "Occupied"?

Just try the doorknob, for God's sake.

I Feel Vindicated

Read this article. It is a timely and important piece of journalism. You'll enjoy the links (like this one, for instance, having to do with crucial charity work).

Barista

I've been meaning to mention this. Some of you may remember a post from a few months ago when I wrote about Cowgirl's Coffee, a "bikini barista" joint down the street from us. Well, a few weeks ago we finally got around to going there, and...the barista was indeed scantily clad. Unfortunately, she was not terribly attractive. Angie commented that she had a nice ass, and I guess she's right, but overall I was not impressed.

I would do her, but only as a matter of principle.

If You're Gonna Do Something, Do It Right

I was just speaking with a guy at the hospital who had an incredible mullet. It was the real deal, with the back feathered, and of course, he had the requisite mustache to complete the look.

I think you'll agree that without a mustache, a mullet just looks absurd.

Ringtones

For my friends/family...just to let you know what I hear when you call me, here's a list of the ringtones I have listed for at least some of you.

PharmGirl - the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars.

Choidog - theme from Superman. I used to have "Billy Jean" for you, but I thought it was time to do something new and you're the biggest Superman fan I know.

Blastbaby - right now it's set as "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" by Jay-Z, although I'm contemplating switching it to "Hip to Be Square" by Huey Luis. Thoughts?

Timmy - "My Love" by the Outfield. Isn't that the name of the song?

LeRoy - "Regulate" by Warren G.

Little sis - "Rosa Parks" from Outkast

Big bro - "Crazy Train" by Ozzy

Big sis - "Family Affair" by Mary J. Blige

Ma and Pa - "Stronger" by Kanye

Don$ - "Picture Me Rollin" by Tupac

And finally, for anyone else who calls me, my general ringtone is the theme from Magnum PI.

Confessions of a Blackberry Owner

My first confession is that I do, indeed, own a blackberry. I mentioned a while ago that I was "test driving" a Blackberry Curve, and I can announce that I've definately decided to keep it. My second confession is that I'm growing to LOVE it. It's wonderful for people like me who are horribly and unforgivably forgetful. It stores all sorts of helpful info in an easily accessible format, including:

• Contacts. Not just phone #'s, but also mailing addresses, e-mail addresses, websites, etc. for everyone I know.
• Calendar. All my appointments, committee meetings, family/friend birthdays, etc. are stored and I can receive reminders. It even reminds me to take out the gargage. Simply wonderful.
• Memo Pad. This feature has been an unexpected delight. It's great for making "to-do lists", but it's also been very helpful for storing important info that doesn't fit under "contacts". For instance, I've stored work info such as my employee #, pass codes, and departmental phone extensions. I stored my car license plate #, make/model, VIN #, and the phone number + our account # for AAA. Oh yeah, I've also started a file for Christmas lists. You get the idea.
• I can check/write e-mails at any time. I didn't think I would appreciate it, but it's actually kind of handy.
• I can browse the internet, but it's sort of slow. So far it's my only real complaint.

That's the basic idea. I should mention that I like the full keyboard, and those little keys are surprisingly easy to type with. Also (for Choidog), yes I do wear it on my belt when I'm at work. Is that obnoxious?

Fun New Hobby

For me, one of the unexpected pleasures of an Obama win is reading whacko comments on conservative websites. It's really heart-warming to see their frustrated whining, pathetic pouting, and especially their astonishing paranoia. For instance, check out the comments in response to this article on the FOX News website. Keep in mind, the article was just an account of Obama placing a wreath on Veterans' Day and saying some nice things about honoring vets. The comments that follow are pure hilarity. A couple of highlights:

"This jerk will never be my president."
Very mature. Barack is such a dick for laying that wreath.

"I'll keep my FREEDOM, my MONEY, and my GUNS. You can keep the CHANGE."
Fascinating. Slightly clever, and yet dumb at the same time.

"Obama will Destroy the USA! God help us all!"
It's got a nice panicked flavor to it. I love how they make Obama sound like God Zilla.

"PHONY. I KNOW THE MILITARY COULD SPIT KNICKLES HAVING THIS MARXIST DOPE FOR A PREZ. WHAT A SHAME WHAT A HORRIBLE THING HAS HAPPENED. NOW HE WANTS HIS OWN GESTAPO...WHAT NEXT OVENS??"
Points awarded for impressive use of hyperbole. Unfortunately, points also deducted for terrible grammar and excessive use of caps.

The most interesting part is how little these comments irritate me. If I'd read them before the election, I would have been wicked pissed. Now, I just find them amusing.

I Heart Crazy People

Yesterday afternoon I provided the chapel service at our long-term mental health facility again. The people there are messed up, but for the most part they're pretty sweet and friendly. I usually give a very simple message about love/kindness/etc., then we pray together and maybe sing a couple songs. (It's really entertaining taking prayer requests from folks with severe paranoia, by the way. Q: "What should we pray for today?" A: "There's a bomb in my room.")

It's always an experience.

Anyway, while I was setting up for yesterday's chapel there was a woman standing near-by stirring a styrofoam cup full of hot chocolate. There was no one else around. I said "hello", but she didn't answer, so I kept setting up. A couple of minutes went by, and then the following conversation transpired:

Crazy Lady: "You're not gonna get me again."

Me: "What was that?"

CL: "You can swirl about all you want, but you can't fly forever." (She uses her hands to make swirrly motions over head, like there's something flying around her.)

Me: "Oh. Okay. Uhhh..."

CL: (She's looking directly at me.) "You won't eat again."

Me: "....?"

CL: "You killed me and my family, but I won't let it happen."

(A few moments pass while she continues to stare me down.)

Me: "How's you're hot chocolate?"

(She turns around and leaves the room.)

END SCENE

I swear to God this is verbatim. Crazy people are so awesome. As a post script, when I left the building to get in my car, the same lady was outside in the parking lot listening to the radio and gettin' down to "Old Time Rock 'n Roll". I mean she was really really gettin' down, dancing her crazy ass off, down and dirty, hip gyrations and the whole nine yards.

That freaky chick can dance! I just hope she doesn't kill me in my sleep.

GEARS Hangover

I'm feelin' a little tired after my all-weekend GEARS binge. At this point all I can think about is getting through the work day so I can get home and kill some more crazy-ass monsters (you know what they say about "the hair of the dog that bit ya" being the only cure).

I also keep daydreaming about chainsawing people in half. Is that normal?

I'm Not Too Proud to Admit It

Did anyone else bawl like a baby during his acceptance speech?

Yes, yes, YESSSSSS!

Congrats, #44.

I miss the She-Shew.

Motorcycles are awesome.

Thursday Adventure

On Thursday afternoons our chaplaincy department leads a chapel service at an off-site housing facility for long term psych patients. It's an assisted living sort of place for crazy people. The facility is way off the beaten path, down a long dirt road in a wooded area. Pretty creepy, to be honest. I always try to be in and out of there within about a half hour. I'm not saying I dislike going there. The residents are very sweet, and they're fascinating folks to have theological discussions with. It's just not a place where I'd choose to hang out.

Anyway, yesterday I was in an especially big hurry to leave so I could get to a dentist appointment. Unfortunately, when I got out to the car the battery was dead. Completely dead. I went back inside to ask staff for a jump, and they went to look for jumper cables. In the meantime, I went to wait in the car. The problem is that most of the residents spend their day wandering around outside because they have nothing else to do, and so they started gathering around the car to see what was going on. It felt sort of like a scene from "Night of the Living Dead".

One guy started pestering me for a ride to Wal-Mart. "Please, please." he said, "Just this once. I can walk back by myself!" To which I replied "I can't. My car won't start, and even if it did, I'm late for an appointment." He thought for a minute and then said, "Okay, how about a ride to the 7-11?"

Another guy started giving me advice, or more accurately, yelling advice at me.
Him: "YOU NEED A NEW BATTERY!" Me: "I know." Him: "JUST GET A NEW BATTERY AND IT'LL BE FINE!" Me: "I can see that." Him: "WHY DON'T YOU GET A NEW BATTERY?! JUST GET A NEW BATTERY! YOU NEED A NEW BATTERY!!!" - He was very upset about the whole thing.

A third guy started reciting historical facts about Nazi Germany and the role Bulgaria played in WWII. Not particularly relevant to my situation, but at least he wasn't yelling.

Eventually an employee named Dee brought out some jumper cables. We hooked them up and I tried starting the car, but it was clear that it would take a while to charge. My yelling friend loudly suggested that we try rolling it and popping the clutch. Not a bad idea, actually, since the parking lot was on an incline. So we pushed it up the hill a bit. Dee was steering as we pushed, and she insisted she knew how to start a car by popping the clutch, so we let the car go and it went hurtling down the hill toward the brick building. Dee did not know how to pop the clutch, as it turns out, but luckily she did know how to use the break. The car, still dead as a door-nail, skidded to a halt at the bottom of the hill.

At this point I thanked Dee and the residents for their help and informed them I would be calling AAA for assistance. About an hour later a tow truck showed up and gave me a jump start.

The tow truck guy looked around and commented on how far back in the woods this place was. It was starting to get dark. People were still wandering the yard like zombies. "What is this place?" he asked. I smiled at him, "It's a home for the mentally ill."

His eyes got very big. Within about 30 seconds he was back in his truck driving away, and I was right behind him.

Happy Halloween everybody!